Our little "show off"

Sweet little baby,
We got to see you again yesterday.  It was an exciting appointment! You were certainly showing off for us.  As Dr. Laughlin pushed down on my belly to perform the ultrasound you jumped and wiggled around like crazy.  Daddy was running a little late, because he had to go out of town yesterday morning, but he came into the room at the perfect time.  Right as he walked in Dr Laughlin said "Hurry, hurry come here you've got to see your baby... he/she is showing off".  You were kicking your little legs like crazy.  Maybe you are practicing your karate moves, I don't know, but you have one fierce kick! Daddy and I just stared at you, and giggled.  It is the best feeling to see you, and to know you are doing so well in there.  Dr. Laughlin complimented you on doing so well... you are growing at a healthy rate, and progressing just perfectly.  The short time we are in the office watching you, is when mommy feels the best. (It's the few minutes I don't worry about you.)  It was sure hard to get you to stay still, but after a few seconds you cooperated and we could listen to your little heart beating! (Thank you).  It got faster, and stronger since the last visit... you are up to 167 bpm. 
It's so amazing how loved you are already!! Everyone is so excited that you are on the way. Of course Mommy and Daddy couldn't be happier!!
Until the next time my little love...

There are no words to describe,
the feelings I have inside.
Each new day is a magnificent one,
and waiting for you,
my daughter or son,
is an emotional and intense time
because a mother’s love is one of a kind.
I am blessed to be waiting for your arrival.
I promise, my little one,
to be the best mom I know I can be.
I will love you forever unconditionally!
(This poem was written/submitted by Anabela Loureiro.)


One of my favorite conversations I've had so far regarding my pregnancy was with my 2 year old, precious goddaughter Payton Mae....

Me: "Payton, what do think about Gogi (what she calls me) and uncle Chris having a baby?"
Payton (with excitement in her eyes and voice): "Gogi... A baby? In your belly?"
Me: "Yes! A Baby is in my belly"
Payton (very matter of fact and excited): "Uhhhh! ME TOO!"

I wished I had gotten this on videotape, it gave me a good chuckle! It was as if she was going to tell me the same exact news that day! Even now as I see her she still talks about both of our babies in each of our tummy's.  When I ask her what the genders are she exclaims "Boy, in your belly"... "Girl, in mine".  Too cute! We will see if she's right in a few more weeks!

Happy, Happy Day!!

So... it's been awhile since I've posted anything.  Have I kept you all waiting too long?  Let me fill you in on what's new in the Bartoli home.  About 4 months ago I FINALLY went in for initial infertility testing (blood work).  The thought of it was much scarier than actually going in and getting it done.  As I've mentioned before I am the "what if" kind of person.  The actual task of getting blood drawn is no biggie for me... it's the waiting and thinking part that I am no good at.  Anyways, it took a week to get results back, which was pure torture.  Finally I got the call from the nurse practitioner, who was amazingly supportive and wonderful through this process. The nurse had me come in to go over the results and discuss what would be our next step.   My heart pounded as she read me results, and explained each one thoroughly to me.  Everything came back normal and healthy... my hormone levels were great, they checked to see if I was ovulating and I was, my body was overall very healthy and functioning just as it was supposed to be! Ah, relief... for a moment... I immediately wondered what would be next.  She explained the next thing to do would be for Chris to go in and get a semen analysis.  He was thrilled at the thought of that, as you can imagine.  She explained that once we got those results, I would be scheduled for a HSG test (where they insert dye into you and look at your fallopian tubes, etc. by xray to look for any scarring or blockages).  This procedure was more invasive and expensive than what we had been through so far, so she wanted all the basics covered first. So, I left the office that day overall feeling pretty good... I knew I was healthy.  I knew my body was doing the things it needed to to get pregnant.  I'd say it was a good day!


Lets see, it was a few weeks later we were going in for Chris to do the deed (semen analysis).  It was a Saturday morning.  I had this feeling that I should check the quest lab location, times and to make sure they would in fact be able to provide this "service".  As I looked online I realized that they did not provide that "service".  DARN IT!!! So, we decided that it would be put off a little longer, as the only location that would was in Salinas.  Chris assured me he would go one day after work... and that was that.


It was not too long after that, that I realized I was "late".  I didn't pay much attention to that fact... been there done that.  I tried to stay calm, relaxed, and not think about it.  (Which is NEVER easy to do when you are trying to get pregnant!!).  So after being a few days late I decided to take a home pregnancy test.  I anxiously waited for those 3 whole minutes... there was one line, with the slightest (very faint) second line.  Again, I didn't put too much thought or hope into it.  I went on with my day, not really thinking about it that much.  By the end of that week, I still hadn't gotten my period, and by now I had hope.  I was trying not to let myself get worked up, but it was definitely there!! Chris and I had agreed I should wait through the weekend, and take another test on Monday.  I was doing pretty good with this... until Friday rolled around.  I woke up early, had to pee... saw the test sitting there, and thought ah, what the heck.  (I was supposed to be leaving that evening for a bachelorette party, so in my defense I thought it would be better to know before the drinking festivities began). 


You want to talk about the longest 3 minutes of my life... this was it! I got two lines... like, two DARK lines!!  It was positive.  I immediately started shaking, and crying.  Although I had thought this was a great idea, I didn't think of what it'd be like if I actually got a positive result.  Chris had left for work already, he had no idea I had decided to take the test.  I was almost hysterical!!  I called my mom and asked her to look at a photo I took on my cell phone of the tests to ensure I was not seeing things... she quickly replied "I see 2 lines".  I called Chris, and we were both in disbelief.  I agreed to go get more tests on my lunch break and take them throughout the day, and fill him in.  Funny thing about being a preschool teacher is you don't have a lot of time for potty breaks, or privacy.  This was by far one of the hardest days to make it through.  I was excited, nervous, anxious all at once and desperately just wanted to be home with Chris.

When I got off work that day Chris was already home.  My sister was home from college, and I had filled her in on what was happening, so she came over.  I immediately went into the bathroom, peed on the stick (this time I got digital tests that would read "YES" or "NO"), and waited, again.  Chris, Kerry and I kind of huddled together waiting for 3 minutes to pass.  I anxiously walked back in the bathroom and glanced with one eye squinted, nervous to read the results.  It said "YES".  I screamed "It says Yes! It says Yes!", and then we all screamed, and cried (happy tears of course).  Needless to say I did not leave that night... I stayed home with Chris and we giggled, and smiled ALL night! It was such an amazing feeling to think we finally pulled this off... after all this time, after all the heartache, and fear.... we did it!! I took more tests the next week, to ensure our baby was still in there and got positive results every time.  It was exciting every time!

I think until we went into our first appointment and actually saw the little "peanut", and heard it's heart beat it wasn't quite real to us.  What a day that was.  It was around 7 1/2 weeks when we first got a glimpse of our sweet little bundle.  It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced.  Tears streamed down my face as we watched pictures across the sonogram, and listened to the thudding of a tiny heartbeat.  It was truly a happy, happy day!!

I am now 10 1/2 weeks pregnant... and still overjoyed.  Many people told me through this process "You will be thankful for all this time.  It won't even matter, once you are pregnant".  I never believed that, because my heart ached for two years... I thought that would stick with me forever... but it doesn't.  I am not saying it was an easy road to get here, and that it wasn't discouraging most of the way, but it doesn't matter to me anymore.  I know that Chris and I are going to be amazing parents, and that we will appreciate this whole pregnancy (sickness, fatigue, backaches and all) so much more.  There will never be a day that I take for granted that my body can do this, and that in 6 and a half months I will be blessed with a sweet little baby. 

As we venture into a new part of our journey, Chris and I would like to thank you for your love and support this far.  I cannot express to you what all the kind and comforting words, letters, notes, silent hugs,tears and prayers of love have meant to us.  We feel so blessed to have you all in our lives.  We look forward to sharing this next part of our journey with you also.




"Before you were conceived I wanted you Before you were born I loved you. Before you were here an hour I would give my life for you. This is the miracle of life." ~ Maureen Hawkins


To our sweet little baby,
You are still so small, and fragile... but we love you more than any words could ever say.  May you always know how loved you are, how special you are, and how wanted you are.  Cannot wait until the next time we get to see you, and hear your tiny little heart beating.
All of your love,
Your mommy and daddy <3

A little love, goes a long way!!

First of all, Thank you all for reading our blog.  I know I was a little nervous to put this "out there".  My mind always goes to the "What ifs? and "What will the reaction be?" first, so I had to work up the courage and process the "outcomes" of pressing submit.  I am SO happy I did it!  Chris and I are so lucky.  The sweet emails, messages and comments expressing your love and support have truly filled our hearts.  We feel so blessed to have such strong and genuine bonds in our lives. 
I am not really sure if it's a direct effect of starting this blog, but I certainly feel "lighter".  I was able to get the hurt out, and put words to a lot of what I've felt.  I feel a sense of peace knowing I don't have to try to hide it anymore.  It is what it is... and I am okay with that right now.  Chris and I both are trying to really focus on the positives in our lives, and embrace all the good we are surrounded by.  We feel stronger now.  We often discuss the hardships a relationship can go through, and how it can truly "make or break" a couple.  We feel so confident in our relationship, and the foundation we have built for our family.  I Think that through this journey so far we have come to appreciate and respect each other  in a whole new way.  I know I can say Chris is the absolute love of my life.  I am trying to never take us for granted, or the love and friendship we share.  When a baby does come into our lives I also know how loved and wanted that child will feel.  We will be sure that the importance of love, family and the support of a community run deep in that child's heart.

Again, thank you all for such a warm welcome into our journey... of blogging.  We hold your kinds words close to our hearts!
xoxo Kristen & Chris

Our Journey

I can remember starting this “journey” as a newlywed, full of love, hope and pure excitement.  All of my life, even as a young child I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I’ve always found such joy in children… and now am a preschool teacher.  Never in my life have I wanted something so badly, and felt such tug and yearning in my heart.  I remember the day Chris and I came to the decision that we’d start trying for a baby.  I was elated, over the moon.  Little did I know this was going to be one of the hardest and most heartbreaking trials for Chris and I.

We began trying for a baby in June 2009.  I can recall my first few months of trying as pure excitement.  I spent hours on end reading, researching and studying signs of fertility, ovulation and of course the earliest signs of pregnancy.  I was beginning to know more about my body than I ever knew possible or really ever wanted to know.  Every day, every minute my thoughts were on getting pregnant.  I’d think about my so-called “fertile window”, and my cycle length, and then the dreaded “two week wait” wondering “Am I?”.  Getting pregnant and holding a pregnancy consumed my every thought.

December of 2009 (6 months into this journey.) I was sure I was pregnant.  My cycles were always within a “normal” length.  28 to 30 days.  A few here and there were off by a day or 2, but never any noticeable amount of time.  Well, I was at day 40 and had no signs of my period coming… no cramps, not much bloating, the regular PMS symptoms.  Needless to say, I had myself convinced that Chris and I’s “hard work” paid off.  I also had my best friend, who lived next door pretty convinced I was.  She was about 5 months pregnant at the time, so I’d go over and tell her my “symptoms” and get her opinions.  Every day was great, I was happy, hopeful. 

After about a week of being late I took a pregnancy test (actually it was probably more like 4 or 5 pregnancy tests).  The anticipation of seeing those 2 little lines was unbearable.  However, every test gave me the same results every time… BIG FAT NEGATIVE.  Uh, this was my first glimpse of the sadness this experience can hold.  Around day 45 I decided to go get a blood test done, I couldn’t not know anymore!  I mean the two week wait is awful, so why should I have to wait any longer?  Boy was I unprepared for this next part. 

Arriving at the Dr’s office was a bit nerve racking, but I still had so much hope.  I mean I had never had a cycle be this long, and I had read that on average most young and healthy couples will conceive a child in the first 6 to 12 months.  I filled out my paperwork, weighed, measured, and sat for what seemed like an eternity.  Finally, a middle aged woman came in and asked what I was there for.  I filled her in on the details and told her my desire for an answer, and about the 4 or 5 (maybe more like 7 to 8) pregnancy tests.  Just like that she shot me down.  She rudely said “If you have taken multiple tests without any positive results you are NOT pregnant.”  She continued on with “I’ll order you a blood test, but I can guarantee you are not pregnant.”  Ouch! How could she guarantee that?  She didn’t even do a urine test herself.  She didn’t even ask or say much more.    After I caught my breath and my heart (that felt a quick twinge of pain from her “roughness”) I asked her to please order the blood tests.  I confidently added “You know, this whole missing a cycle thing is not normal for my body.”  She replied to me with “You should see a fertility specialist at this point, something’s probably wrong.”  Wow.  I could not believe this woman.  Did she have no sensor, no decency, no compassion?  Could she not see the pain in my eyes?  After that I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could.  I wanted to forget what she said, go back to my thoughts and re-convince myself I was pregnant, as she handed me the paper.  She added one more “jab” in as I was walking out.  “Do not call me for results until after 4:30, we don’t get them until then and I don’t want you calling in vain.”  This sent me over the edge.  I was angry.  I was hurt.  I was upset.  I left from there and headed directly to the lab.  I wanted so badly to prove her wrong.  I wanted to be able to call and say “hey remember me, the crazy woman who thought she was pregnant… well guess what, I am!”

So, I even waited an extra 15 minutes or so… I called the Dr’s office for results at 4:45.  The nurse answered and told me the results were not received and to call the lab directly.  I did, and quickly got directed to another extension, and then back.  Turns out my paperwork was not “on file yet”.  Great! After speaking with 3 different people, it was obvious my results were not in and I’d have to continue to wait.  They told me to call the Drs Office at 9 am for results.  That was a long and worrisome night.  I lay in bed imagining getting a “yes, you are” and a “no, I’m sorry” the next morning at work.  The thought of that alone scared me… it’s hard to hide your emotions from 2 and 3 year olds.  They seem to pick up on everything.

The next morning I arrived at work at 8:30, kids start filtering in around 9 (which was the time I was supposed to call).  Around 9:30 I got a phone call from an unknown number.  I knew it was the Drs Office.  I excused myself from the classroom and nervously answered.  It was a male Dr from the office.  (Thank goodness it wasn’t the mean woman was all I could think).  He quickly asked me if I’d like my results.  I blurted out “of course”, as if I even needed to say so.  He continued on, “I’m sorry, but the blood test came back with negative pregnancy results.  I didn’t hear much after the I’m sorry part.  I hung up, put on my “happy face”, even though my heart was heavy and went back to play dough and story time.

Although I heard the results and my brain knew the truth, my heart still had hope.  After all I still hadn’t gotten my period.  It’s funny how the body works though, I think about 3 or 4 days after that phone call I got my period.  So, that was just an evil trick my body played on me? Wow, that sure seems unfair.  It was an emotional day to say the least.  I remember crying to Chris in the kitchen, and we just held each other.  I had no hope to cling to anymore.  My heart ached, I felt grief.  There was nothing left to help me foolishly convince myself I was pregnant.  I cried, I sobbed… for a long time.  In fact, even still thinking about it my heart feels heavy.  I let my heart be so emotionally involved and my hopes to be so high that I convinced myself of something that just wasn’t true.

After that experience I feel I’ve changed.  I hate to admit it but I feel I am a more bitter and sad person.  I’ve spent so much time and effort into soul searching.  I ask myself constantly “Why me?”  “Why isn’t it easy for us?”  “What did we do to deserve this?”  I sometimes feel so alone.  I know I’m not.  I have an amazing group of friends and family that love and support me.  I have a wonderful husband who is right by my side, and is definitely the “rock” in our family.  It is still hard for me to find the words to express my pain and heartbreak through this.  Throughout our lives we go to our friends and family members for advice, and empathy in certain situations.  These are situations that in most cases someone close can relate to, because they’ve “been there”.  In this case, I didn’t have someone close that had “been there”.  I felt like I didn’t relate to anyone.  Again, I felt very alone.  This is such a crazy thought because of all the love surrounding Chris and I.

A few months came and went after that.  My cycles returned to a predictable and regular length.  I never really got any answers on why that happened besides “It’s very common to miss a period here and there.”  My OB-GYN told me to wait a full year of TTC and then come in for some testing.  So, I tried to just not think about it so much.  After all that’s what everyone tells you to do.  I tried to take some of the pressure off myself, my husband, and the situation… this was no easy task.  I began to not talk about it, not feel the emotions because I couldn’t stand to let myself get excited and let down over and over.  This was not a healthy choice for me.  I shut down.  I didn’t want to go out, and be social.  It was easier to just kind of hide.  Chris and I did that for awhile.  Instead of slowing the thoughts and the stress, I avoided it all.  I bottled in emotions, I ignored (or tried to ignore) the sadness, and I isolated myself.  This was my “easy escape”.  I hated crying through every conversation I tried to have about not being pregnant, so now I didn’t have to.

I kept hearing things about acupuncture. I heard, and read about all kinds of things people used acupuncture for.  Some related to infertility, some about pain, stress, sleep, etc.   Most all were positive stories, and were inspiring.  I decided in March to try my luck with acupuncture.  The initial appointment was scary. I had no idea what to expect.  In fact for the first few times I think my acupuncturist could only pick up on my anxiety, and curiosity… but it got better each time. Tuesday evening became very important to me.  It became my sanctuary, my “me time”. At each appointment I felt a calmness and peace.  I loved leaving each week with insight, and I began to really reflect upon myself and process my feelings surrounding infertility and our journey so far.  Sometimes I cried.  Sometimes I was angry and frustrated and sometimes I was hopeful and positive.  However I felt, I embraced it.  Every day was different.  I felt happy and distressed after each appointment. 

Unfortunately about 5 months into this Chris and I fell onto hard times financially and I had to give up acupuncture, but I will go back.  One day, whether it’s for fertility, or just over all well being.  I truly believe it helped me, spiritually and emotionally. 

I’ve gone to a support group that just started locally, which in the long run will be helpful I think.  The first meeting was very emotional for me.  As I listened to stories of woman who are deeper in this journey than us I found myself scared, and saddened.  It was a room full of heartache, and it stuck with me for a few days.  It was comforting to hear them talk about feeling alone, and resentful, and how they too secluded themselves.  I wasn’t crazy!  My emotions are normal and valid.  I have a right to feel sad, and angry, and frustrated sometimes.  I look forward to learning with these other woman and for each of us to find comfort in each other’s stories.

Chris and I are still on this journey together.  I know in my heart someday we will be parents.  I think we will be great parents.  Every day is a new day and we are hopeful.  It’s still the typical “Infertile couple’s rollercoaster”, but it is what it is.  I chose to write this to clue some of you in what’s been going on for us.  Every day is different, and sometimes it’s just too hard and painful to talk about, and other days I can let it all out.  Writing’s always been the easiest way for me to share my feelings so here it is.  This is our journey so far.