I can remember starting this “journey” as a newlywed, full of love, hope and pure excitement. All of my life, even as a young child I knew I wanted to be a mother. I’ve always found such joy in children… and now am a preschool teacher. Never in my life have I wanted something so badly, and felt such tug and yearning in my heart. I remember the day Chris and I came to the decision that we’d start trying for a baby. I was elated, over the moon. Little did I know this was going to be one of the hardest and most heartbreaking trials for Chris and I.
We began trying for a baby in June 2009. I can recall my first few months of trying as pure excitement. I spent hours on end reading, researching and studying signs of fertility, ovulation and of course the earliest signs of pregnancy. I was beginning to know more about my body than I ever knew possible or really ever wanted to know. Every day, every minute my thoughts were on getting pregnant. I’d think about my so-called “fertile window”, and my cycle length, and then the dreaded “two week wait” wondering “Am I?”. Getting pregnant and holding a pregnancy consumed my every thought.
December of 2009 (6 months into this journey.) I was sure I was pregnant. My cycles were always within a “normal” length. 28 to 30 days. A few here and there were off by a day or 2, but never any noticeable amount of time. Well, I was at day 40 and had no signs of my period coming… no cramps, not much bloating, the regular PMS symptoms. Needless to say, I had myself convinced that Chris and I’s “hard work” paid off. I also had my best friend, who lived next door pretty convinced I was. She was about 5 months pregnant at the time, so I’d go over and tell her my “symptoms” and get her opinions. Every day was great, I was happy, hopeful.
After about a week of being late I took a pregnancy test (actually it was probably more like 4 or 5 pregnancy tests). The anticipation of seeing those 2 little lines was unbearable. However, every test gave me the same results every time… BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Uh, this was my first glimpse of the sadness this experience can hold. Around day 45 I decided to go get a blood test done, I couldn’t not know anymore! I mean the two week wait is awful, so why should I have to wait any longer? Boy was I unprepared for this next part.
Arriving at the Dr’s office was a bit nerve racking, but I still had so much hope. I mean I had never had a cycle be this long, and I had read that on average most young and healthy couples will conceive a child in the first 6 to 12 months. I filled out my paperwork, weighed, measured, and sat for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, a middle aged woman came in and asked what I was there for. I filled her in on the details and told her my desire for an answer, and about the 4 or 5 (maybe more like 7 to 8) pregnancy tests. Just like that she shot me down. She rudely said “If you have taken multiple tests without any positive results you are NOT pregnant.” She continued on with “I’ll order you a blood test, but I can guarantee you are not pregnant.” Ouch! How could she guarantee that? She didn’t even do a urine test herself. She didn’t even ask or say much more. After I caught my breath and my heart (that felt a quick twinge of pain from her “roughness”) I asked her to please order the blood tests. I confidently added “You know, this whole missing a cycle thing is not normal for my body.” She replied to me with “You should see a fertility specialist at this point, something’s probably wrong.” Wow. I could not believe this woman. Did she have no sensor, no decency, no compassion? Could she not see the pain in my eyes? After that I just wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I wanted to forget what she said, go back to my thoughts and re-convince myself I was pregnant, as she handed me the paper. She added one more “jab” in as I was walking out. “Do not call me for results until after 4:30, we don’t get them until then and I don’t want you calling in vain.” This sent me over the edge. I was angry. I was hurt. I was upset. I left from there and headed directly to the lab. I wanted so badly to prove her wrong. I wanted to be able to call and say “hey remember me, the crazy woman who thought she was pregnant… well guess what, I am!”
So, I even waited an extra 15 minutes or so… I called the Dr’s office for results at 4:45. The nurse answered and told me the results were not received and to call the lab directly. I did, and quickly got directed to another extension, and then back. Turns out my paperwork was not “on file yet”. Great! After speaking with 3 different people, it was obvious my results were not in and I’d have to continue to wait. They told me to call the Drs Office at 9 am for results. That was a long and worrisome night. I lay in bed imagining getting a “yes, you are” and a “no, I’m sorry” the next morning at work. The thought of that alone scared me… it’s hard to hide your emotions from 2 and 3 year olds. They seem to pick up on everything.
The next morning I arrived at work at 8:30, kids start filtering in around 9 (which was the time I was supposed to call). Around 9:30 I got a phone call from an unknown number. I knew it was the Drs Office. I excused myself from the classroom and nervously answered. It was a male Dr from the office. (Thank goodness it wasn’t the mean woman was all I could think). He quickly asked me if I’d like my results. I blurted out “of course”, as if I even needed to say so. He continued on, “I’m sorry, but the blood test came back with negative pregnancy results. I didn’t hear much after the I’m sorry part. I hung up, put on my “happy face”, even though my heart was heavy and went back to play dough and story time.
Although I heard the results and my brain knew the truth, my heart still had hope. After all I still hadn’t gotten my period. It’s funny how the body works though, I think about 3 or 4 days after that phone call I got my period. So, that was just an evil trick my body played on me? Wow, that sure seems unfair. It was an emotional day to say the least. I remember crying to Chris in the kitchen, and we just held each other. I had no hope to cling to anymore. My heart ached, I felt grief. There was nothing left to help me foolishly convince myself I was pregnant. I cried, I sobbed… for a long time. In fact, even still thinking about it my heart feels heavy. I let my heart be so emotionally involved and my hopes to be so high that I convinced myself of something that just wasn’t true.
After that experience I feel I’ve changed. I hate to admit it but I feel I am a more bitter and sad person. I’ve spent so much time and effort into soul searching. I ask myself constantly “Why me?” “Why isn’t it easy for us?” “What did we do to deserve this?” I sometimes feel so alone. I know I’m not. I have an amazing group of friends and family that love and support me. I have a wonderful husband who is right by my side, and is definitely the “rock” in our family. It is still hard for me to find the words to express my pain and heartbreak through this. Throughout our lives we go to our friends and family members for advice, and empathy in certain situations. These are situations that in most cases someone close can relate to, because they’ve “been there”. In this case, I didn’t have someone close that had “been there”. I felt like I didn’t relate to anyone. Again, I felt very alone. This is such a crazy thought because of all the love surrounding Chris and I.
A few months came and went after that. My cycles returned to a predictable and regular length. I never really got any answers on why that happened besides “It’s very common to miss a period here and there.” My OB-GYN told me to wait a full year of TTC and then come in for some testing. So, I tried to just not think about it so much. After all that’s what everyone tells you to do. I tried to take some of the pressure off myself, my husband, and the situation… this was no easy task. I began to not talk about it, not feel the emotions because I couldn’t stand to let myself get excited and let down over and over. This was not a healthy choice for me. I shut down. I didn’t want to go out, and be social. It was easier to just kind of hide. Chris and I did that for awhile. Instead of slowing the thoughts and the stress, I avoided it all. I bottled in emotions, I ignored (or tried to ignore) the sadness, and I isolated myself. This was my “easy escape”. I hated crying through every conversation I tried to have about not being pregnant, so now I didn’t have to.
I kept hearing things about acupuncture. I heard, and read about all kinds of things people used acupuncture for. Some related to infertility, some about pain, stress, sleep, etc. Most all were positive stories, and were inspiring. I decided in March to try my luck with acupuncture. The initial appointment was scary. I had no idea what to expect. In fact for the first few times I think my acupuncturist could only pick up on my anxiety, and curiosity… but it got better each time. Tuesday evening became very important to me. It became my sanctuary, my “me time”. At each appointment I felt a calmness and peace. I loved leaving each week with insight, and I began to really reflect upon myself and process my feelings surrounding infertility and our journey so far. Sometimes I cried. Sometimes I was angry and frustrated and sometimes I was hopeful and positive. However I felt, I embraced it. Every day was different. I felt happy and distressed after each appointment.
Unfortunately about 5 months into this Chris and I fell onto hard times financially and I had to give up acupuncture, but I will go back. One day, whether it’s for fertility, or just over all well being. I truly believe it helped me, spiritually and emotionally.
I’ve gone to a support group that just started locally, which in the long run will be helpful I think. The first meeting was very emotional for me. As I listened to stories of woman who are deeper in this journey than us I found myself scared, and saddened. It was a room full of heartache, and it stuck with me for a few days. It was comforting to hear them talk about feeling alone, and resentful, and how they too secluded themselves. I wasn’t crazy! My emotions are normal and valid. I have a right to feel sad, and angry, and frustrated sometimes. I look forward to learning with these other woman and for each of us to find comfort in each other’s stories.
Chris and I are still on this journey together. I know in my heart someday we will be parents. I think we will be great parents. Every day is a new day and we are hopeful. It’s still the typical “Infertile couple’s rollercoaster”, but it is what it is. I chose to write this to clue some of you in what’s been going on for us. Every day is different, and sometimes it’s just too hard and painful to talk about, and other days I can let it all out. Writing’s always been the easiest way for me to share my feelings so here it is. This is our journey so far.
